Back to School
It is that time of year again where children are preparing for the return to a new class, and a new cohort prepare for their first day at school.
This can be a challenging time for children (and parents!). The main thing to remember here is that the feelings of anxiety/dread/worry/sadness are temporary and they will pass. It can feel really hard to watch your children experience difficult emotions and they can feel all-consuming in the moment, so remembering this is temporary can be reassuring.
Most of the time the worries are due to the large time away from this aspect of life and routine; therefore, once back at school these feelings are relieved instantly. The anticipation and preparation for something can be far harder than the actual activity. So, how do we help our kids through this anticipation stage? And what can we do for those who are heading to school for the first time?
Identify their feelings towards the changes
There are a whole range of emotions that the children will be feeling, and just by being aware of these and acknowledging their personal experience will make a huge difference.
It is worth mentioning at this point, that some children may not be worried at all and may well be excited—if so, encourage that positive approach and talk about the things they are looking forward to e.g. seeing friends and teachers etc.
Children will express emotions differently—some will act out, others withdraw, and some will become clingy. Whichever they do, it should be fairly easy to spot the signs, as it will be a change in behaviour and/or mood to how they normally behave.
When you see any changes, see them as communication of big feelings and try to attune and have open discussions about these feelings. Speaking aloud for children is really useful—for example: “I can see you are quieter than normal and I’m wondering if you are feeling nervous at the moment’ or ‘I have noticed you are getting cross and not being very kind to your sibling. I am wondering if you are feeling frightened.’
This is called attuning and means that you meet the child in the emotion and show them that you understand that they are experiencing big emotions and that you will support them through it. Focus on naming what you see and comforting so they feel understood and safe with their big worries.
Help them verbalise and share the worry
Children don’t always have a good emotional vocabulary or the skills to express themselves; hence, they show you through changes in behaviour. So once you have attuned, they are unlikely to suddenly be able to put it into words.
This means that instead of trying to get them to explain WHAT they are feeling, ask them HOW it feels. Focus on the physiological sensations they are experiencing: ‘Where in the body can you feel it? What does it look like? Does it have a colour?’
Some of you may think this sounds strange to get a child to describe the colour or what an emotion looks like, but I think you will be surprised how much detail a child can give you, because this gives them a creative way to explore their feelings without needing difficult vocabulary like anxiety and frustration etc. This is a really good time to get out the paper and felt tips too—can they draw this for you? It will give you loads of information about what they are experiencing.
Once you have done this, you can offer some words to show you understand and to help build their vocabulary for the future. For example: ‘Oh wow so this feeling is like a big red monster stomping inside your tummy. I get feelings in my tummy too when I feel nervous or worried.’ This then gives you the option to explore what could be making them feel this way. ‘What do you think this monster is scared of? Why is he stomping in your belly? How can we help the monster? By asking in the third person, children can feel more open to sharing. Telling you how an animal or creature is feeling is less vulnerable that saying how ‘I’ feel.
Keep them Informed
Children worry about the details and if they don’t know all of them, they often make them up.
Using visuals and timetables to break down the school day will really help them to make sense of what school will look like and what will happen. How will they get to school? Who will take them? Will they have packed lunch or school dinner? Who will pick them up? The more they understand the day, the easier they will find it.
As a side note, the biggest part of this will be who is picking them up. When I was a teacher, I saw the impact this had if a child was unsure. Like I said, if they don’t know something they make it up and they tend to catastrophise which leads them to thinking no one will remember to pick them up etc. Planning and preparing are really key.
Practise Separation
Having practice separations from parents before doing a whole day at school is worthwhile. For some children, they haven’t been away from their caregivers for much time over the summer. If they then go to doing a whole day away from them, some children will find this incredibly difficult and anxiety provoking. They also might have spent a lot of time with mainly adults (caregivers, grandparents etc) and just siblings, so socialising with peers can also be helpful. Planning some playdates can help to build confidence with friendships. This is even better if they can see friends who will be at school with them, so they are excited to see them again at school.
Build Excitement
Nervousness and excitement feel really similar, so helping them to get excited about small details can help shift that nervous energy into a positive feeling.
Give your child some control over the details by offering choices. Children feel worse when they feel like they have no control over their life (which as a child you have very little). This can involve them getting to choose the lunchbox you buy for school or the backpack they will have. Having something new to use that links only with school can be a good detail to look forward to and encourage that positivity for school, even if to start with the only good thing they have is using their new school bag.
This can be extended to decisions surrounding the day: would you like to walk or drive to school on the first day? Do you want packed lunch or school dinner? What special breakfast shall we have before we go to school?
These small details and involving them in the plans can make a big difference to how they are feeling. It is worth noting here that they will also pick up on how you are feeling about them starting school, so are you REALLY excited about them going, or are you nervous too? Being aware of your feelings is also really helpful when supporting children through theirs.
To summarise:
· Help them identify their feelings—use drawing and creative ways to make sense of sensations and don’t worry too much about the names of the feelings.
· Share their feelings and attune so they feel supported and understood. Normalise being nervous and excited.
· Give them as much detail and information as you can so they understand what will happen.
· If they suffer from separation anxiety, practice spending time away in smaller chunks so they get used to you returning before doing a whole school day.
· Get excited with them and find ways to help them feel like they have some control over this big aspect of their life.
I will be sharing another blog at the weekend discussing what to do on the first day of school and how to help your morning go smoothly, so everyone arrives at school feeling as calm.
